That’s What She Said

Random thoughts that were not long enough for a blog post or that we just couldn’t be bothered to expand more on the issue at hand.

Stacy-isms:

S1)         From here on out I would like to be referred to as Miss Picklepants Stardust Dancer!

S2)         If people got paid to irritate other people, I would be stinking rich!

S3)         I don't want people I don't know seeing my crap.

S4)         My postage stamps are not a toy!

S5)         I hope Jesus judges on a curve.

S6)         My beautiful daughter owns me.

S7)         I'm going to attempt to make 8 dozen Christmas cookies today. Or I could just go buy cookies and tell people I made them. I'm leaning towards option 
#2.

S8)         Don't tell my husband I did all this. Next thing you know he'll want me to clean the house too.

S9)         Everyone do me a favor. Sign me up for some more catalogs because I'm not getting enough this year.

S10)      I was letting my kid play in the van with the garage door shut and the engine on, but before she could pass out she discovered one of her Christmas presents. And it wasn't just any old present. It was the big daddy. The giant princess castle from "Santa." I feel like I just got punched in the chest.

S11)      So my kid is driving me crazy about the Princess Castle. Of course she wants to open it. I told her I made a deal with Santa. We would give her the castle, and he agreed to give her the princesses. I told her if we open it before Christmas we will all be on the naughty list. For now, she is quiet.

S12)      I want to wear a ponytail today, but the pony is not cooperating.

S13)      Somehow I got put in charge of getting the teachers gifts this year. I currently have $365 of other people’s money in my pocket. Teachers’ gifts. Day at the spa. Teachers’ gifts. Day at the spa. Decisions. Decisions.

S14)      I'm about to get my butt kicked by a 60 something year-old woman in my yoga class. This is going to be so humbling.

S15)      “The girl” and I are currently competing against one another for the best burp award. I was clearly winning with a combination hiccup/burp. But now she thinks barking spiders should be considered as part of the competition. I just lost my lead.

S16)      Is it just me, or is Survivor just a bit too religious this season. Almost makes me not want to watch it. Almost.

S17)      My brain feels like vanilla ice cream. Melted.

S18)      How can Smurfette not be a slut?  I bet she's not even wearing underwear.

S19)      OMG! I see Sarah Plain is trending again. That woman is like the Brett Favre of politics.

S20)      I have a shoe problem. I think I need an intervention.

S21)      I'm so reporting Max and Ruby's parents to CPS. Can you say neglect?

S22)      Why is it that some women can't seem to pee INSIDE the toilet? I know some of you like to hover, and I'm okay with that. But if when you hover you end up peeing all over the place, you might want to rethink your strategy. Woman everywhere will thank you.

S23)      Only in Texas could you be on the road for six hours, and still be no where. Please send help. You can find me by the sound of my screams.

S24)      So hungry. Where's the road kill when you need it?

S25)      There is nothing like my very own bed. I think I'll have a toddy, snuggle up with a nice shoe, and sleep.

S26)      I live my life in 3D.

S27)      People need to realize I ALWAYS get what I want. Sometimes.

S28)      I have been in a total Zen state since Tuesday. Seriously, totally at peace. Bad news is, it's really ruining my sarcasm. Good news is, I think I'm coming out of it.

S29)      Happy New Year Everyone! I of course was asleep by midnight. But I'm sure it AWESOME!

S30)      “The girl” and I have been sick for 13 days now. I'm generally not a huge fan of antibiotics but enough is enough. We are knee deep in Phlegm. However, she is petrified to go to the doctor. So I've told her that I'm going to my Doctor and that she has to come with me. Little does she know we're going to her dr. I can't wait to see the look on her face when I yell "Surprise!"

S31)      So I took my daughter to the Doctor in her Cinderella dress. By the looks on some of the mothers’ faces, you would think she was wearing stripper heels.

S32)      “The girl” is no longer scared of the doctor. Why? Because the told her she doesn't have to go to school tomorrow.

S33)      If you still want to lead a productive life, DO NOT PLAY ZOMBIES VS PLANTS!

S34)      I'm having a online chat with my car insurance company. Why do I feel so dirty?

S35)      Alright, which one of you has my car keys?

S36)      I'm so proud of my kid. She's still be bullied a school. But instead of trying to play with the girls who are being mean to her, she's making new friends. Now she says, "I only want nice people over to my house." Does this mean I don't get to come inside anymore?

S37)      I am now taking my kid’s antibiotics, because that's how I roll.

S38)      My kid wants her antibiotics back, which is so not fair. She's healthy! Why do they make them taste so bubble gum yummy?

S39)      I just want to bring a smile to your toothless face.

S40)      Today was an awkward day. I got naked for another woman today. As she worked her way around my body, she touched me tenderly in places men have never really looked at. And that's when she whispered ever so sweetly, "You don't have skin cancer." YIPPIE! Skin cancer free! Sun babies, get yourselves checked out.

S41)      I've been researching sites about bullying and what I can do to stop it. Along the way I found this book. Once I get it I'm going to ask to be the volunteer reader for one of the days my kid is in school. As I'm reading it I'm going to make eye contact with all three of my daughters bullies and let them know, "I'm watching you, you little fuckers."

S42)      So sad...Please, put this on your status if you dated, know, work with or are related to (or divorced from) someone who suffers from stupidity. We all need to understand stupidity is real and must be taken seriously. You could be sitting next to a stupid person right now. There is still no known cure for stupidity, and sympathy does not help. Sometimes a 2x4 to the back of the head helps, but not a lot. But we can raise awareness! 53% won't re-post this because they don't know how to copy and paste.

S43)      I have literally not moved from the couch all day except to pee and grab some grub. My wee one started throwing up this morning around 5 o'clock and is half catatonic on the couch. I knew she wanted to get out of school and all, but I think this may be taking it to extremes.

S44)      I need a houseboy. One who will scrub my toilets and make me mojitos.

S45)      I'm hardcore! Kind of.

S46)      I bought 5 things for a close friend of mine on Amazon. And then sent them all to the wrong address. I sure hope the people who live 4 houses down are Buddhist, or they're probably going to be pissed.

S47)      I just got a message from “Steph”. She thinks I'm cute and wants to have a sex chat. I think it may be time to change my e-mail. Does this happen to you guys too?

S48)      I kissed my dog and I liked it.

S49)      I just got my first set of contacts. Why are all of you so blurry?

S50)      Acting and waiting tables in LA I met a ton of actors. But none of that prepared me for today. I just met the voice of the old man zombie with the newspaper on Zombies vs Plants. I actually squealed. Coolest thing ever!

S51)      If you're still doing laundry and cleaning your house, it's because you're too stupid to get someone else to do it for you. And if that's the case, I'm the queen of the stupid. "Underwear is overrated! Go commando already!" Geeze.

S52)      I think I have my left contact in backwards. Does this I will be able to see out the back of my head?

S53)    My car is NOT dirty. It's lived in.

Kimberly-isms:

K1)        ‎"When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him." ~unknown

K2)        The place to be on a cold, rainy, Sunday night when there is nothing else to do with your child is NOT Chuck-E-Cheese.

K3)        The smaller the dog, the more likely he is to be scared by storms but the more vicious he gets when you turn on the vacuum cleaner.

K4)        Bad people don’t do yoga.

K5)        In AMERICA, the greatest country in the world, the word "go" is spelled with the letter "G" followed by the letter "O". That is all.

K6)        “The boy” tells all of his friends that I am a “real Princess”.  So should you.

K7)        When you have loud conversations on speakerphone in an office building with thin walls, keep in mind that my ability to hear and understand your conversation is directly proportional to my willingness to play “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” at full volume from Hulu.com on my laptop speakers.

K8)        I am going to personally track down, stalk and shove bamboo shoots under the fingernails of the concession-stand employee of the movie theater who apparently served my four-year old Red Bull-infused Mountain Dew instead of the Sprite that I ordered. He has been, and is still currently, reenacting the bowling ball scene from the Muppets movie with his stuffed penguin whilst making Miss Piggy/Kung-Fu Panda sounds. Falun Gong will feel like Canyon Ranch when I'm done with you my teenaged "friend".

K9)        Being the mom of a toddler constantly reminds me of that great line by Matthew McConaughey from "Dazed and Confused" about high school girl staying the same age. No matter what time he goes to bed, he's still going to wake up at the same time.

K10)     Strapping a Christmas tree to the top of your SUV is what I’m sure all good Jewish girls do on a 70-degree day.  In December. 

K11)     Even “the boy” knows that my favorite drink is a “Venti Soy Chai Latte” from Starbucks.  He pretends to make me one while he is taking his bubble bath.  And no, I don’t need an intervention.

K12)     I will just go ahead and apologize now to all of my dear friends who are following me on "Pinterest" as the sum total of all of my "pins" is zero. I'm not exactly what I'm supposed to do with this site. I've been told that I should "pin" anything that I like or that interests me. Isn't that what FB is for? If not, why in the heck did I share that amazing Rob Lowe photo spread with all of y'all this morning??  You’re welcome . . . by the way

K13)     The chance that a while, male Republican is caught with an underage male prostitute is directly proportional to how loudly he speaks out against gay marriage.  The correlation coefficient approaches 1.0 the more verses he uses from the Bible to support his position.

K14)     Whenever I read the retort "Your an idiot" to somebody's FB argument, I am just itching to make the following follow-up post: "Its true. You too really don't know much over their." But over the last year and a half in particular, I've learned to never try to argue with a moron. They will just drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

K15)     Every night, it's our tradition to read at least one book (lights on) and then tell one made-up story (lights off) with “the boy”. Tonight, he wanted me to tell him a story about bad guys robbing a bank. Well, I used to work in a branch (in Memphis) and was therefore able to go into fairly specific details as to the sequence of events that would take place in such a situation. Hopefully, 20 years down the road I won't find myself saying, "Your Honor, I have absolutely NO idea how MY son would have had ANY prior knowledge about the location of the dye pack and the teller alarm."

K16)     Unless you have a toddler (especially a boy), you cannot possibly anticipate the level of destruction (both self-inflicted and self-created) that can result with you being out-of-pocket for more than two minutes.

K17)     There are a lot of FedEx planes taking off at 4:00 a.m. I really have no idea how my dog gets enough air to survive by spending the whole night under the covers down by my feet. My 44-pound 4-year old seems to take up more square footage than I do in my bed that he wandered into during the three hours of shut-eye I did manage to get by positioning himself perpendicularly. Otherwise, I have no other insightful observations at this ungodly hour.

K18)     At what age, exactly, does ANY sense of self-preservation kick in??

K19)     I won’t trust anybody that doesn’t know or believe that you roast marshmallows with a wire coat hangar.

K20)     When your toddler asks if he can fill up the coffee maker with water, the correct answer is “No”.

K21)     I really did used to be a rock star sleeper, then I gave birth. On the plus side, it's amazing what you can find on the Internet at 2 am. No, not that. I mean I finally learned how to use Twitter. On the minus side, I'm still awake and also learned that I'm five years behind the curve. #FashionablyLate @SmartassMommies

K22)     I think leaving your decorations up and out four or more weeks past the actual date of said holiday doesn’t mean that you are lazy; it just means you are more festive than the rest of us OR that you are WAY ahead of the game for the next go around.

K23)     Isn't it amazing as parents the answers, lies, fibs and half-truths we find ourselves pulling straight out of our asses when our kids ask us a question?

K24)     I came to the realization today that a 350-pound linebacker could be breaking into my house with a gun in one hand, duct tape and a plastic tarp in the other and my 15-pound Westie would simply wag his tail and shower him with doggie kisses. For some reason, however, when I use the vacuum cleaner, he's "Cujo". Thanks mate.

K25)     Is it a sign that it's going to be a bad day when, even though you put on your favorite pair of broken in, worn out, perfectly fitting jeans, your ass still looks fat?

K26)     ‎"#####%##!!!!!!" Noun. Definition: that sickening feeling you get when you realize that you turned on your car early to let it heat up only to suddenly remember that your gas light came on two days ago.

K27)     You know you might be proudly southern when you happen to have an extra pair of cowboy boots in your car to wear to replace the pair of cowboy boots you were already wearing when the heel on the left boot broke.

K28)     Yes, I did just eat a “Lunchables” for dinner.  That is all.

“The boy”-isms:

B1)        "Mommy, why are you ALWAYS telling me to be careful??!!!!"

B2)         ‎"The Boy’s Law" - When hiking on a circular trail, he will have an innate ability to determine the point at the maximum geometric distance from the trailhead/car at which point he will decide he needs to be carried for the remainder of the hike. This rule is applicable regardless of overall trail length and/or familiarity.

B3)         ‎"Mommy, now can I have a REAL sword??!"
Me: Blink blink.
"I PROMISE I'll be careful even with the sharp point at the very end."
Me: Blink, blink blink.
Me: "No baby."

B4)         “Mommy, why is the TV smarter than you?”

B5)         “But Santa Clause came LAST YEAR!” (response after I told him I would not buy him a new toy in January 2012 because Santa Clause “just came”).

B6)         “Mommy . . . you talk a lot!”

“The girl”-isms: 

“The girl” talks.  A lot.  So much her mommy can’t remember everything she says that would fall into the “Stuff my Kid Says” category.  However, she’s working on it.  Hopefully quickly.  

© Two too smart, smartass mommies 2011