Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day. Probably the most stressful holiday ever for the entire male species. As February 14th gets closer, I’m finding myself being battered in the head by pinks and reds. Everywhere I look, I can’t escape it! I even had to go out and find Valentine’s Day cards and gifts for all 14 of my daughter’s classmates. Later on today I will be stuffing red, heart-covered plastic cups with the following:

  • Heart-shaped erasers 
  • Pencils covered in (you guessed it) hearts, and
  • A card with Scooby Doo proclaiming his undying love for you. And you. And you. Scooby loves all of my daughter’s classmates very much. 


With all of my bitching you might assume that I am some cranky spinster with no Valentine to call my own. Assume all you want, bitches! I am actually married to a wonderful man who, every Friday, brings fresh flowers to me and to our daughter. I bet you think I’m bragging. Well . . . I am. BUT! I am going somewhere with this. 

First, a little history. The Valentines honored on February 14 have nothing to do with a naked flying baby sporting a bow and arrow.  These Valentines were actually saints: Saint Valentine of Rome and Saint Valentine of Terni, both of whom were killed because of their religion. The end. There was a third Saint Valentine but he was killed in Africa with a bunch of his buddies. So… I guess he KINDA counts. I bet his buddies are kind of mad though because no one named any holidays after them. One of the three Saints’ heads was preserved in the abbey of New Minster, Winchester. And in my opinion, nothing says love like the gift of a human head. Seriously, if you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up for this Valentine’s Day. It is a gift she will forever remember. TRUST ME!

But why do we make such a huge deal about this holiday? Is it because we are mourning for our lost Saints? Probably not. The first recorded association of Valentine's Day with romantic love is in “Parlement of Foules” by Geoffrey Chaucer, who wrote: 

For this was on seynt Volantynys day
 Whan euery bryd comyth there to chese his make.

If you don’t speak “What the Fuck,” I can translate for you. I am fluent in the language. What he was really trying to say was, “For this was Saint Valentine's Day, when every bird cometh there to choose his mate.”

That’s some beautiful shit right there. Even if it is a lie (birds in England don’t normally migrate in February). Anyhow, Chaucer wrote this little poem to honor the first anniversary of the engagement of King Richard II of England to Anne of Bohemia. Now, I’m not trashing Chaucer. I love Chaucer. I even recently bought myself a brand new copy of “The Canterbury Tales” because I wore my old one out. But because of Chaucer and his stupid birds, men are currently sweating bullets to come up with the “perfect” Valentine’s Day gift for the ladies in their life.

Thanks, Chaucer. Thanks for the legions of guys who panic in the last minute and give us (all true stories) fur-covered handcuffs, the perfume that his ex-girlfriend used to wear, a gym membership, used fishing tackle, and ridiculously large overstuffed white teddy bears that you buy on the freeway off-ramp. Thanks, Chaucer, because we women have to accept these gifts with a smile and act like it is the . . . Greatest . . . Gift . . . Ever!!!

Ladies, let me give you a little hint. If you build up this whole Valentine’s Day thing in your head, you’re bound to be disappointed. This is coming from a woman with the mind of a man. Stop! Just stop yourselves before your brain explodes because he can’t live up to your expectations. What do you expect? He’s a man, not a mind reader. If there is something you want for Valentine’s Day, TELL HIM! Don’t sit back and wait for him to show up with overpriced flowers and a stuffed bear when what you really wanted was a heart shaped pizza and a new PlayStation game. Oh, no – wait - that’s what I want. See, it’s all about me, isn’t it?

The point I’m trying to get across is that Valentine’s Day makes people a little crazy. For some of my girlfriends with men (or women) in their lives, Valentine’s Day is like a test. A test to see if he can live up to your fluffy chocolate-filled expectations. And for my single friends, it’s a reminder that they are alone on Valentine Day. It’s almost as if the whole world is walking around flaunting their love for the sake of the lonely. A sort of “In your face, loser with no boyfriend!” For example, I have two really amazing friends. Both woman are strong, beautiful, and currently on a one-way road down depression highway because they don’t have someone special in their lives for this overhyped holiday. This is something that my wonderfully awesome, devastatingly beautiful friend Cherokee wrote on her Facebook wall. “Valentine’s Day is for suckers . . . Now excuse me while I cry into this tub of ice cream.” First off, this woman is so hot she’s the reason the polar ice caps are melting. Most men would gladly lose a limb just to be near her. But because it’s Valentine’s Day she’s too busy thinking about what’s she’s missing out on, instead of what she’s got going on. 

But Stacy, Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday. My boyfriend is just so sweet and he always brings me flowers. *Squeal*

Yes, it is a nice day, but you should be doing nice things for each other EVERY DAY! Like taking out the trash. I love it when my husband does that for me. If he would just clean out the cat box I would have multiple orgasms right there on the spot. What I’m trying to say is, enjoy the little things in life. Enjoy your loved one’s smile, how they look at you when they’re talking to you, even the times they blatantly ignore you. Think about it, mostly likely you talk too much anyway, and it’s just his way of keeping his sanity so that he’s not driven insane with guilty thoughts of suffocating you with a pillow at night. Life is not perfect. Men (or women) are not perfect. But if we find that one person who makes our heart happy we should be overjoyed with that, because let’s be honest: it is so so rare. And for all my single friends out there who are looking for Cupid’s arrow, I would like to quote my five-year-old daughter who said: 

I don’t want that flying orphan shooting me in the butt!

Don't Touch Me Cupid Sign

Amen little sister! If that stupid flying orphan isn’t visiting you this year who cares? Go get yourself a nice bottle of champagne, some chocolate covered strawberries and rent the movie Con Air. If Nicolas Cage can’t make you feel better about life . . . nobody can.

So to all of my friends out there I wish you a very happy “Dead-guys-with-missing-heads type of day.” Kiss your loved ones and be grateful for what you already have. Because even if you’re alone on Valentine’s Day, please remember that no matter what, there is someone out there who loves you. Even if you haven’t met them yet.  

© Two too smart, smartass mommies 2011