Time Magazine Cover

Yep, THAT one.  I’m so over it, and I still have a post that I’ve written on my hard drive with my thoughts on the matter. However, I’m on vacation and so I think I will save that for later.  Instead, I’ll post the “fun” one I wrote, because I’m just kind of done with the whole debate.  Here’s a thought - I won’t tell you how and what to feed your healthy kid and you don’t have to worry about what I feed mine.  Until then, I do have a few words for Time Magazine.  And once again, I’ll use small words.  Enjoy y’all.

Again, all of the real credit goes to Jez Alborough and his delicious children’s book “Hit the Ball Duck”.  It’s one of our favorites.

(Note: In our bastardized version, Time Magazine’s Editor, Writer and Photographer are played by “Thing 1”, “Thing 2” and “Thing 3”, respectively).

Time Magazine Cover

Worst Photoshop job.  Ever.


Time Magazine is on their way, they are going to sell shitty issues today.

“I know!”, quacks Thing 1. “I’ll talk first.  I’m so excited I could burst.” 

Thing 2  says, “Right, I know what we’ll do.  Mommies won’t know, they won’t have a clue.
Thing 3 will take a picture and Mommies will shout, ‘You piece of shit assholes – we know what you’re about!”

Thing 2 leans back, thinks hard and writes “Are You Mom Enough?” the headline does cite.

He clicks his computer, the photo is taken.
Then it goes viral, readers are shaken.  Viral and viral and viral it goes. 

“I can believe it!” Thing 2 surely knows.
“Where’s it gone?” asks Thing 3.  “Can we all see?”
“Patronizing pricks!” cries all the mommies.

“What shall we do?” asks Thing 3 with a grin.  “Milk it,” quacks Thing 1 as he sips on his gin.

The mommies are mad!  Blogdom is livid!
Mommies say, “How can they make such a cover so vivid?”

“Hold on,” squawks Thing 1.  “Use your head.”  “We were just trying to start a dialogue instead.”

But with a click, and a “Share” and a one, two, three . . . Thing 1 posts that cover for the world to see.

“Gross!” cries the masses.  “You can’t print that!  It’s ‘crazy’, it’s ‘abusive’ that Mommy’s a ‘rat’!”

“Pornographic!” says one.  “Unbelievable!” shouts another.  “Let’s all start attacking each one and each other.”  That’s when people take to the vast cyberspace.  Everybody shouts “I’m better than you in this crazy mom race.”

But Thing 1 sits back with a shit-eating grin, he says, “At the end of the day, it’s Time that did win.  We fueled the flames of this silly mom war.”

On the Internet, in the stands, “We sure opened that door!  All we have to do is lean back and grin and watch the sales dollars start rolling in.”

“This was too easy,” says Thing 3 with a laugh.  “We knew what we’re doing, this wasn’t a gaffe.”  Thing 1 then does utter “It’s not even half!”

“The mommies will rage, and the next thing you know, posters and bloggers won’t be able to let go.” 

“They’re right where we want them!” he thinks he’s so slick.

But little did he know, the world thinks they’re dicks.
Their intentions were obvious and shallow and lame, and these magazine people should take all the shame.

“It’s hard being mommies.  You daft little minions.  Everything that we do there’s another opinion.”

“I can say ‘Yes’ but she will say ‘No’.  There’s no way to win this ‘Mommy War’ show.”

“We work very hard, this isn’t very easy.
And your attempt to drive sales, was really quite damn sleazy.”

“Let’s cut the crap out and get on with our day.  Because it’s with our kids that we just want to play.”

“So drop dead!” all you haters and writers galore.
“Worry about your own families and stop this stupid mom war”.

“It’s pointless and stupid and a big waste of time.
Just support each other and read nursery rhymes.”

“Just let us play, thank goodness for that.”

So - 

Dear Thing 1, Thing 2 and especially Thing 3.  “Go back to your office, grab a sweet coffee cup.”

Sit down, find real news and “Shut the Fuck Up!”

© Two too smart, smartass mommies 2011