My Babysitter is Cleaner Than Your Babysitter

One of my “Likes” on Facebook is a fabulous local mommies blog.  She is not me.  In fact, she is the opposite of me.  Her site provides exceedingly helpful, pertinent and timely information for mommies with things to do in our city.  On a daily basis.  Which means she has to blog work on the weekends.  Well . . . Bless her little heart but better her than me.

On her Facebook site she will routinely post questions received from other mommies and then open it up to her followers to comment on and/or provide recommendations.  A typical question might include something along the lines of: “Does anybody know a great painter?” or “What is a good restaurant for kids in my neighborhood?”  Like I said, real, actual, helpful information.

So her post tonight started off innocently enough, but as I am writing this is now 9:49 PM CST and I am starting to get an inkling of some serious Sanctimommy-ness going on.  The post was (and I quote): “A mom is wondering what others are paying for sitters these days.  She has 2 kids”.

Pretty innocuous, right?

Wrong.

One of the first posters out of the gate explained (emphasis and redactions will be all mine):

I found my sitter on InsertNameofSitterFinderServiceHere.com.  She goes to the University of A Major City and majors in Child Psychology.  I ran a background check on her, she is clean.  She also has past experience with kids.  I tested her with my kids who at the time didn't like strangers...they absolutely loved her.  For that....I pay her $10/hour and I am fine with that.  I have seen every other sitter out there charges the same price though and they don't have half the qualifications.  It seems $10 is the going rate for everyone.

Ruh-roh!!

Let’s break it down.

Let’s start with the “she is clean” issue.  I’m working myself up into a sheer giggle fit just trying to imagine how that conversation went between this mommy and InsertNameofSitterFinderServiceHere.com:

Picture of What a Clean Babysitter Might Look Like


Sitter Service:  “Hello, this is InsertNameofSitterFinderServiceHere.com.  How can we help you?”

Mommy: “Hi!  My name is __________.  I have two kids and I am looking for a clean sitter.”

Sitter Service:  “What do you mean by ‘clean’?”

Mommy:  “I’m not really sure, but it’s going to sound like I am the best mommy in the world when I tell all of my friends that my sitter is ‘clean’."

Sitter Service:  “Well, I guess I could say that our babysitters regularly bathe, if that’s what you mean.”

Mommy:  “No, I don’t think I will be able to get on my sanctimommy high horse as easily if all I’ve got to go on is basic hygiene.  What else ya’ got for me?”

Sitter Service:  “All of our sitters pass a basic background check and drug test.  Does that help?”

Mommy:  “Now we are getting somewhere.  I’m looking for somebody with both practical and educational experience in catering to the needs of my two incredibly over-indulged brats.  I never let them out of my sight, so they think any non-family member has plans on stringing them up and taking them across the boarder.  The Canadian border.  Knowing this, you can rest assured that I will be handing a list to your selected sitter of any and every possible way I want an issue solved while I am out of the house getting tipsy on Vodka and Xanax with ‘the girls’ along with a list of emergency contacts covering the entire Eastern Seaboard.  Oh, and one more thing, I only want to pay just slightly above the minimum wage.  But it will be in cash, so it’s like she’s getting more.”

Sitter Service: “Ummmm . . . . how about a college student with only a couple of ‘Minor in Possession’ charges and a few jaywalking tickets.  Is that clean enough for you?”

Mommy:  “Perfect!!  I’ll take her!” she says while basking in the all-knowing glow that she has done real, actual research and found a clean sitter.

Mommy of the fucking year award material here.

Moving forward, we have the “I have seen every other sitter out there charges the same price though and they don’t have half the qualifications.”

Oh dear.

Sanctimommy alert.

Really??  You’ve seen EVERY other sitter out there that charges $10 an hour.  Fuck me.  That’s a lot of interviewing.

$10 per hour for one kid is the going rate in my city for your more than perfectly capable, high-energy college student, who I need to watch my kid for a few hours while I go out and get laid help blind lepers.

However, I also know a perfectly good back-handed dig when I see one.

What Sanctimommy is really saying is: YOU BITCHES MAY BE OK WITH SOME CRACK ADDICT/METH HEAD/KARDASHIAN WATCHING YOUR CHILDREN, BUT I'M NOT. SHAME ON ALL Y’ALL.

The icing on the cake was a follow-up post from the site’s creator in response to a reader question about finding a good babysitter:

Site Creator:  “People don’t seem to keen on sharing their babysitter . . . . Sorta screws them over as then she might not be available!”

Translation:  I’ll be sure to give you an opinion on the fact that your babysitter isn’t clean enough by  MY standards, but I’m DAMN sure I’m not going to give you the name of one who is!!

© Two too smart, smartass mommies 2011