Stop With All the Llama Drama!

Oh . . . My . . . God.  It is so much fun to write a snarky blog.  It really is a great way to let off steam express yourself legally creatively.

That being said, I could definitely do without the wadded panties one can find in blogdom.

Things to know about blogs:

  • People will get mad if they think something has been written about them.
  • People will get mad if they think something has been written about somebody they know.
  • People will get mad if they think something has been written about something they think.
  • People will get mad if they think that something applies to them.
  • People will get mad if something should have been written about them.
  • People will get mad . . . . . . . .


I don’t think I’ve ever found myself getting all hot and bothered over a blog post.

Maybe, just maybe, if a blogger made a statement along the lines of:

I think we should start making fur-lined boots with skinned kitty cats . . .

Ok then, I might comment on it.

But if I’ve ever come across something that was even borderline personally offensive, I always take into account the fact that these are, in fact, blogs.

We are not reporters for The New York Times.

We will not be appearing as lead anchor on the five o’clock news with our “stories”.

The vast majority of the time, what we are about is clearly stated on our site (confusingly found in an “About Us” section), so one can usually use that as a guideline to take everything we say with a grain of salt.

Whenever I see a “I can’t believe you wrote that/you do you think you are/you’re just jealous” comment on a blog, the first thing that comes to mind is the following phrase:

First World Problem.

And the way it appears in my head is usually in that font.

At the end of the day, if you are really going to get mad, pick a topic like:  the prevalence of genocide in the world, childhood abductions, skyrocketing corn prices, the idiocy of politicians, taxes, Lindsay Lohan . . . . you know, something important!!!

However, knowing that a post about why posts shouldn’t be offensive will probably still offend someone, I’ve decided to write a book.

A children’s book.

Using monosyllabic words when possible.

(All due respect and inspirational credit goes to Anna Dewdney, author of the Llama, Llama books.  Her books are awesome!!!)

Reader Reader Stop Your Drama!

Illustrated By:  No One (Yet.)
Note:  The above image has been Photoshopped.  Badly.


Reader Reader,
Having fun.
Wine and gossip
In the sun.


 Time to blog!
It’s Saturday!
Reader Reader
Wants to play.

 

First the checking,
Then a huff.
Reader Reader
Gets mad at stuff!

 

Reader reading
Lots of sites.
Getting madder
Left and right.

 

Reader Reader can’t believe
What she is about to read!
Gets her panties in a wad,
She starts typing really hard.

 

Reader Reader quickly types,
I just can’t believe
You had the nerve
To post ‘bout me!
!”

 

Bitchy bloggers,
Lots of whine.
Posters that really start to grind.
Big, bad grammar, tons of crap.
I can’t believe she wrote that!

 

Sanctimommies
And stupid butts.
Reader types, “She said what?!?!
Types a word and then a race,
To post her sass in cyberspace.

 

Her big girl panties
Are in a wad.
She really thinks
You’re quite the twat.

 

Brand new mani
That Reader chipped?
The big, bad blogger gives not a shit.

 

Silly huff and hissy fit.
Reader doesn’t get the blogger’s wit.
Vapid reader with too much time,
Really, really just wants to whine.

 

Does not matter,
What the post.
Silly reader just wants her boast.
It’s no fun at this website.
Stupid Blogger.
She’s not right!!

 

I’ll show her,
I’ll throw a fit!
I’ll get myself good and lit
!”

 

 “You’re so wrong!” and
You can’t say that!!”
Are sorts of things that readers spat.

 

CRASH the board and SMASH those keys!!
No more reading!!  Enough of these!!
Out go bookmarks and other stuff . . . .
Reader Reader has had ENOUGH!!

 

Sweet, sweet Reader,
Darling dear.
That type of comment’s
Not welcome here!

 

Please stop fussing, little mamma.
Reader Reader, Stop Your Drama!!
I think that blogging is silly too –
But at the least we’re here with you!!

 

Let’s see if we can make this fun
And get a silly blog post done.

 

Let’s be a team in this crazy world!
Now just grow up!  You stupid girl.

 

Wipe those tears,
Mop up sweat.
Sweet, sweet Reader – don’t you fret!
That little post was not ‘bout you.
Please stop feeling oh so blue.

 

It’s quite, quite silly, to be such a mess.
You should be ashamed, I must confess.

 

First world problems.
That’s what you have.
You really don’t need
To care ‘bout that.

 

Get a real life and a sense of humor.
You’re giving yourself quite the tumor.

 

Close your laptop,
Take a breath.
‘Lest you give yourself
An early death.

 

Say good-bye to our silly blog.
Sarcasm is our little niche.
Reader, Reader.
Don’t be a bitch.


© Two too smart, smartass mommies 2011