How Many G**damn Awards Shows Are There??

I came across this article online a few minutes ago and I just couldn’t make it past the first sentence:  (From The Hollywood Reporter) “The 15th annual Hollywood Awards took place on Monday night at the Beverly Hilton Hotel, kicking off a months-long season of self-congratulations and chicken dinners shared by the same core group of people.”

This got me to thinking.  How many fucking awards shows are there?? So I just did what I always do and used “the Googles”.

According to an outdated list on Wikipedia, in the UNITED STATES alone! there are almost FIFTY awards shows, including (but not limited to and certainly in no particular order, with a couple of famous foreign ones thrown in for good measure so you don’t think I’m ignorant):

  • The Academy Awards (a.k.a. “The Oscars”)
  • The Golden Globe Awards
  • The S.A.G. Awards
  • The Emmy Awards
  • The People’s Choice Awards
  • Hollywood Film Awards
  • MTV Movie Awards
  • Academy of Cinema and Television Arts Awards
  • Critics' Choice Movie Awards (a.k.a. the Broadcast Film Critics Association Awards)
  • Teen Choice Awards
  • Kid’s Choice Awards
  • People’s Choice Awards (because Teens and Kids don’t count apparently)
  • Independent Spirit Awards
  • American Film Institute Awards
  • BAFTA Film Awards (British, so it doesn’t really count either)
  • Various Critics’ Association Film Awards (19 separate U.S. cities or states listed)
  • Film Festival Awards (five in the U.S. counting Sundance, plus don’t forget Cannes)
  • More than THIRTY additional Industry awards in the U.S. alone excluding the ones listed above

(I would normally provide a nice little hyperlink to everything listed above but frankly, I just couldn’t be bothered).

Is there any other profession or line of work that is as self-congratulatory as the movie and television industry??  Don’t get me wrong, I’m as giddy as the next girl at seeing pretty dresses and jewelry and I practically have a giggle fit at the Schadenfreude that comes when some prissy, skinny little thing looks like she got dressed in the dark.  In addition, I proudly went to college and was friends with both the author of The Descendants and the director of the new Spiderman movie coming out this summer (note to awards picker people:  Kaui and Marc’s movies deserve to win everything) so of course I’m going to watch anything that they are nominated for, but come ON already!!

I will admit that one of the great benefits of awards season is highlighting those shows that you might have otherwise missed.  (I just realized the ridiculousness of what I just typed.  Really??  They have their own season??  As in:  spring, summer, fall, winter, LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!)  However, since there are so many of them, chances are everything will be highlighted at some point.  It’s kind of like giving a participation award to every kid on the team or that great scene in Meet the Fockers when Robert DeNiro’s character notices Ben Stiller’s character’s “10th place” ribbon at his parents' house.  Really??  A 10th place ribbon. How “special”. 

Note to award recipients – it’s not clever, amusing, creative and/or funny (and y’all are supposed to, you know, be kind of good at that stuff) if you do one of the following during the ceremony.  These have all been done before, and with great or frequent regularity:

  • “Forget” your speech and/or your glasses.
  • Lay down some serious F-bombs in an amount directly proportional to your talent.
  • Make out with a member of the same sex on stage (unless you are actually a couple, then by all means, go right on ahead).
  • Quote somebody else’s famous acceptance speech (#creativityfail).
  • Feign shock/surprise/glee when you win because you “weren’t expecting this” and “it was just an honor to be nominated”.  Horseshit.  None of you are that good of an actor.  We are ALL onto you.
  • Give your award to someone else.  (It’s called “re-gifting” and even little kids know it’s wrong).
  • Invite all of the other nominees on the stage.  (I know I just WON, but look up here at everybody else who LOST).
  • Thanking Jesus and God.  Guess what guys?  Those two don’t give a shit about crap like this.  I think Darfur has probably got them all tied up at the moment (although the big man and his kid do have a bit of a break now that Tebow’s season is over).

Usually awards shows are remembered because of the hosts (I heart Ricky Gervais) or some ridiculous stunt that was pulled (Sasha Baron Cohen’s ass in Eminem’s face).  Even some actors are over it.  I found a great quote from one about awards season.  The Social Network star Jesse Eisenberg compared the process to being 13 and going to bar mitzvahs all the time.  In an interview in Us Magazine he said, “I put on a suit every weekend and go and meet with a lot of Jews.”  I can’t ever imagine watching one of these without the use of a DVR.  At the end of the day, the total time it takes to read the list of nominees and announce the winner probably sums to less than 60 seconds.  Everything else is just filer.  Lots and lots and lots of filler.

(On a side note:  is it just me, or does anybody else out there wonder why they need accountants to tally the votes??  I can’t imagine anything more complicated going on behind those scenes other than, you know, addition.)

Do people in this industry have such delicately sensitive egos that they have to be flattered and praised almost all year round for their Earth-shattering “contributions” to society??  These people will even clap for THEMSELVES when THEIR OWN NAME IS ANNOUNCED!!  Award shows are just marketing events; simply another form of advertising.  The way the media cover these events and all of the pomp and circumstance surrounding them never ceases to amaze me.  With very few exceptions, the winners are already extremely well paid for a job they love, so they shouldn’t need prizes, applause and have to lap up how great and wonderful they are. Who really gives a toss??  It’s just a bunch of self-indulgent ego wanking when you get down to it.  How about, just for once, the same amount of commercialism, financing and attention being given to a “Nurse of the Year” or the “Teacher of the Year” award ceremony?!? 

Spoiler Alert:  If George Clooney is nominated, he will win.  If Brad and Angelina show up, she will look beautiful but will wear a facial expression like some hot poker is shoved up her backside because she really couldn’t be bothered to be there in the first place, and yet . . . there she is.  Brad, on the other hand, will sadly look like shit. Some random red-carpet host will ask a very personal question of some actor that will inexplicably cause embarrassment because the question asked was about something we are all supposed to pretend like we don’t know anything about but everybody does.

I have no problem at all with talented artists being given awards for their creativity and endeavors, but it would be far more tolerable if they did it privately and discreetly.  So yes, the dresses and jewels are pretty, but it’s not like any of us are going to be buying any of them.

© Two too smart, smartass mommies 2011