Advice from the Wife of a Shrink

Being married to a shrink is tough business. Not because he’s a shrink, but because he’s friends with shrinks, and works with shrinks, and I am surrounded by shrinks!

How would you feel if every party you went to you were constantly being put under the microscope?

“I think she’s bi-polar,” said one.

“No she has ADD,” says another. 

“It’s an anxiety disorder. I’m sure of it,” says a third.

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But the truth of the matter is - I just don’t give a flying fuck what anybody thinks. If they can’t see my genius and stand in awe of my ability to multitask, then they don’t deserve me trying to rearrange their furniture while I’m talking on the phone, making impromptu reservations to go to Tahiti, TONIGHT, only to break down crying because my cat doesn’t really love me as much as I love her.

If you can’t appreciate me . . . what was I talking about? And if me having a panic attack and locking myself in your bathroom is in no way entertaining, well than you just don’t know or love the real me. *Crying*

And THIS is why I need therapy! It’s not because I’m crazy, it’s because you want me to be crazy so badly that it irks you that I don’t care about your opinions. So go analyze someone else. I’m busy writing a damn blog here!

And to prove that those Shrinky people don’t know squat, I have compiled my very own list of crazy behaviors, and I haven’t even gone to school for this. All I have to do is go out into the world and BAM! Crazy is usually staring me right in the face.

So here we go.  If you or anyone you love, or know, or just happen to be walking by is doing any of these things, it’s a good chance they may have a mental disorder.  

  • If you go to a grocery store, grab a dozen eggs, put them in the middle of the isle and sit on them hoping they will hatch — you probably have a mental disorder
  • If you take the oil stick out of your car, lick it, and then say “Yep, I’m due for an oil change,” — you probably have a mental disorder
  • If you hang out at the DMV looking for your soulmate you probably have a mental disorder
  • If you’re so old and can’t go to the bathroom by yourself, but still insist on wearing glass stripper heels and making it rain — you probably have a mental disorder
  • If you’re an adult and think the moon is following you — you probably have a mental disorder
  • If you were born in the US but talk in an English accent because you think it’s cool — you probably have a mental disorder
  • If you go to a Mexican restaurant and speak to the wait staff with a Mexican accent but don’t know a word of
    Spanish — you probably have a mental disorder
  • If you hover over an anthill and name every single ant before you squash them — you probably have a mental disorder
  • If you feel the need to constantly procrastinate, but have the compulsion to do it perfectly and in a certain way — you probably have a mental disorder
  • If you feel the only way to lose weight is to eat box after box of Junior Mints . . . well, you’re just delusional. 
  • If it’s 2012 and you still think wearing leopard print parachute pants is cool — you probably have a mental disorder
  • If you put a spoiler and spinning rims on your Suzuki SC100GX — you probably have a mental disorder
  • If you’re wearing belly-baring tops and you’re trying to pretend your muffin top is just a really pale belt — you probably have a mental disorder
  • If you’re still sporting a “sensitive guy” ponytail and listening to Yanni — you probably have a mental disorder
  • If you’re trying to have a two-person conversation with yourself and one of you is giving the other one the silent treatment — you probably have a mental disorder
  • If you got a job at a fat camp because you thought it would be an easier place to pick up chicks — you probably have a mental disorder
  • If your last name is Mark and your parents thought it would be funny to make your first name Skid — then your parents probably have a mental disorder
  • If you think Henry Kissinger owes you money for no reason at all — you probably have a mental disorder
  • If you are having a two-way conversation with someone else’s answering machine — you probably have a mental disorder
  • If you hate Chinese food but frequent Chinese Restaurants just so you can complain about the food — you probably have a mental disorder


I could go on and on and on. But this is my list for now. And because the holidays are coming up, and my husband is going to most certainly drag me to the work Christmas Party, I’m going to do my very best to check each any every one of them off my list. All in the same night. Because shrinks need entertainment too. And not only that, but my husband will probably get a raise because they will think that he has the ability to harness all this crazy into a productive member of society.

So good-bye for now. Don’t let me catch you doing anything stupid. Because I’m just itching to make another list.


Note: The above referenced list has not been evaluated by the United States Food and Drug Administration and is not approved to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent disease.  The information provided on this site is for entertainment purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for advice from your physician or other heath-care professional.
In other words, this is satire. It is funny.

© Two too smart, smartass mommies 2011