A few months ago, a delicious little site called People I Want to Punch in the Throat took on the topic of overachieving mommies and kid’s birthday parties. If you haven’t had a chance to read it, I highly recommend doing so (just not right now). Jen writes some seriously funny shit. This post in particular made me laugh out loud because, simply put, I am:
Guilty. As. Charged.
What can I say? I have one imaginary child and I think everybody should have a really big deal made out of their birthday because it’s the only one real holiDAY.
Case in point:
New Year’s – The act of celebrating the time when you forget to change the date on your checks for at least another four months and the start date of a vast majority of failed diet attempts. We celebrate this . . . .why??
Valentine’s Day –
Fuck you Thank you Hallmark.
Fourth of July – This is a fun one, but I think it would royally (pun intended) piss us off if another country loudly celebrated kicking our ass back in the 1700s. I got it. We defeated the British a really, really long time ago. Let’s all collectively agree to move on.
Halloween – We have an obesity epidemic in this country for goodness sakes. An entitlement mentality on obtaining as much free candy as possible is probably not the best idea.
Thanksgiving – The time of year when Native Americans should legitimately give us all the finger.
(Notice I specifically didn’t include religious “holidays” – we’re just not going to touch those with a 10-foot pole).
So all that’s really left are our birthdays and we think you should rock that party like it’s 1999.
This past year, my imaginary child turned five and he’s currently going through a “Caption Jack” obsession phase. Pirates of the Caribbean? We own the entire collection and watching it on an endless loop is just fine with me thankyouverymuch. So what did I do for his birthday?? I hosed my house down in every piece of pirate-related shit I could find at the party store. Cake? Pirate. Decorations? Pirate. Goody bags? Pirates Pirates. Stuff inside goody bags?? Pirate, pirate, pirate.
In short, I went crazy. And I loved every second of it.
So bring it on mommies!! Own it! Go crazy with your bad selves. I think we should all loudly and proudly celebrate the day we extracted those little humans from our internal organs.
Just remember to recycle because after all is said and done, you do NOT want that shit hanging around your house.