An Open Letter to Johnson & Johnson® 

Dear Johnson & Johnson®,

I am writing you today because I’m having some problems with your product, Johnson’s Head-to-Toe Baby Wash®.

First you claim that your product is “Tear Free.” I can personally attest that this is not the case. While bathing my daughter I “accidently” poured some in her eyes to test your theory and she did indeed cry. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Don’t you know mothers like me like to push the envelope?

Secondly, the directions on the bottle tell me to apply your product to my child’s skin or hair using my hands or a washcloth. But then you tell me to keep your product out of the reach of my child. What does this mean? Am I not supposed to wash her hands? You’re sending me some mixed messages here.

I’m also concerned that you claim that your product is #1 in hospitals. What exactly do you mean by that? Does this mean I need to rush my child to the hospital after she goes blind by your “Tear Free” false claims? Well no wonder you’re #1 in hospitals, your defective product is making the hospitals richer with every bottle you sell. I highly recommend you change your packaging. May I make a suggestion?

This is what I would like to see in the future:

J&J Baby Wash Parody Picture

Note:  Picture above NOT an actual Johnson & Johnson® product!
Note from Kimberly:  To any J&J lawyers reading this, go ahead and put down your pretty fountain pens.  A C&D order won’t be necessary.
Reasonable people will not interpret this parody to contain factual claims and is therefore protected under the First Amendment.
Yep, we watched The People vs. Larry Flint too.  And it was awesome.
As far as what any unreasonable people might think? Well, we just can’t help that.

In the future I hope you’ll be more responsible with your claims. Until then, I would really be interested in trying out your Johnson’s Natural Head-to-toe Foaming baby wash. Question: Does my daughter need to have rabies for this product to work? Oh, and I expect you to send me a bottle for free. It’s the least you could do for leaving my child visibly disabled with dirty hands.

Sincerely yours,

© Two too smart, smartass mommies 2011