Two funny mommies. Stacy, married, lives in Houston and is the mom of a six-year old girl named "the girl". Kimberly, divorced, lives in Denver and is mom of a five-year old boy named “the boy”. Both members of the “One And Done” Club. Never actually met in person, but the single mommy went to college with the husband of the married mommy. The married mommy works full-time as her five-year old’s “bitch”, the single mommy owns her own bank consulting firm. They became friends on Facebook and found in each other kindred spirits. And by kindred, they saw the same acerbic and dry-witted sense of humor with little to no tolerance for stupidity, ignorance or “those mommies”. You know them. Those who have too much time on their hands, whose kids “excel” at everything, who never leave the house without a full face of makeup on and who get their panties in a wad at the tiniest little perceived slight. If that sounds familiar or hits way too close to home, then this site isn't for you. For everybody else, enjoy!!
Names and faces have been deliberately erased, modified and/or obscured to protect the innocent and dumb (most of the time).
Warning: If you are easily offended, can't take a joke and things like irony and sarcasm are lost on you, leave now. Seriously. Go away.
There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
~ Oscar Levant
There is something incredibly wrong with Stacy. If she shared even 10% of the twisted little thoughts that went through her mind on a daily basis, she would likely be forced to hide out in a non-extradition country. But don’t blame her. Blame her husband. He’s the one who brought her to Texas. She’s a Buddhist, for crying out loud! Fish out of water? Hardly. Fish off the freakin’ planet, more like.
She’s got all these responsibilities. She’s a wife and a mother to “the girl”, pays her taxes on time and tries to keep the mortgage in check. But she didn’t always used to be this way. Before all this normalcy, she had quite a different life. She’s competed in Miss California, done stand-up comedy at The Improv, been a bouncer at a biker bar, and made a gangbanger cry. She’s smoked weed with Russell Crowe, pinched the cheeks of Sonny “Tiny” Lister, and memorized the entire script to Con-Air when she lost a bet. But the craziest thing she’s ever done is get married to a shrink and become a mother. Now she has somehow ended up in Texas of all places, taking care of her family, and trying to figure out where to hide all the china she didn’t want in the first place.
The crazy has to go somewhere. So she writes.
Kimberly is actually kind of a dork. She has an undergraduate degree in Physics, an MBA in Finance and runs a successful bank consulting firm in which she spends all day working with Excel spreadsheets - and loves it. The story of her personal life is not that unique - think Camille Grammar, Sandra Bullock, Elin Nordegren, Shania Twain, Princess Diana . . . etc.
She is a mom to the world's coolest four-year old (a.k.a. “the boy”) and would walk down the aisle all over again with the same cheating *** that she did before knowing that this little man would be the end result. In real life, she’s not nearly as funny as she is on “paper” but everybody kept telling her that she needed to write a book. So she's starting with this blog. The ultimate goal with this site is for her and Stacy to make a million dollars, or enough money to spring for a mani/pedi. Whichever comes first.
Kimberly recently received a fun little letter from her ex-husband’s divorce attorney specifically referencing this site. Even though she has never referred to her child as anything other than “the boy” and there’s this crazy little thing called the “First Amendment” that apparently is being loosely interpreted, it was suggested to her that she no longer make “specific references which would jeopardize the child's privacy”.
Henceforth, and since she already had to spend more than $60,000 divorcing this exemplary human being, anything said on this site specifically in reference to a male child, on or around the age of four (ish), should no longer be assumed to be about her child. No siree bob. It is most definitely about other people’s children. If you even think it’s about her child, then you are definitely wrong, because it’s not. From here on out, any funny little stories and/or anecdotes relayed by her about children in general are completely fabricated, made up and totally in jest. In fact, these stories aren’t even about her friends’ children. These are fictional children who don’t actually exist.
All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living, dead or undead, is purely coincidental, even those that are based on real people. Which they aren't. Except for Stacy’s posts. Because her daughter does some seriously funny shit and she’s still married to an awesome guy.